I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
