I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
