i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
