God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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