How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
