Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
