We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
