everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Dear god my vagina.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
