Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
