remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Hippo gnu deer
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
