When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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