Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I seem to have left my pride at pride
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
