There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
