So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
