when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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