First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
