My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
