I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
