If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
