I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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