Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
