u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
