I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
