I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
