genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
