This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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