i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
