I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize