I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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