I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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