I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Randomize
