dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Pants are for mortals
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
