That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
