wat bout pragnant strippers??
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
