She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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