You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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