you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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