fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize