That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
