sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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