I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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