i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
