TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
