I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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