Screwed.edu
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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