I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
