Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
