So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
