Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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