there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
