Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
