The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
