I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
