i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
