piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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