I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Are we still banned from the library?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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