I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
