I think I won the penis lottery.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
