so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
