I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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