you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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