My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
