I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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