Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
