yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm at about main and main street
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
