I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
